We Fight, We Fall Read online

  We Fight, We Fall

  © 2013, Nicole Callesto

  Cover illustrator Joshua Callesto

  Cover Photograph © Aremafoto/ Stockfresh

  Cover Font ©1999 Smoking Drum www.smokingdrum.com

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher.

  Prologue

  Why the fuck do I keep walking around this town? It’s not like it helps me to clear my head of all the bullshit. He’s dead, but it still feels like he’s in total control of me. Will I ever be able to shake him?

  Jessica and Brandon are just as bad. That bitch really messed me up and Brandon; I really fucked up what we had. All of the success, money, and drugs don’t mean shit when you’re alone every goddamn night. Just when I think things can’t get any worse, they do. Two years of pure hell; way longer than that actually but who can keep track? Ever since he died everything just hit me right in the face. How do you keep on living when all you want to do is end it all? I’m too much of a pussy to just kill myself; those were his words exactly. And guess what? He’s fucking right.

  Take this girl for instance. She looks so sweet and innocent. Just got off of a bus at the Greyhound station and here I am, the creepy dude leering at her. It looks like she just arrived into town. Ha! Maybe I should tell her to get right back on that bus, because she won’t find anything in this shithole town.

  But I won’t do that. Why? Because she looks young and full of optimism. Sooner or later she’ll learn the truth about the real world. It’s fucking dark, and no one gives a shit about you. But I’m not gonna be the asshole to tell her that. Welcome to a world of disappointment, honey.

  I’m not trying to be a peeping tom, but I can’t seem to drag my eyes away from her. I’m just pretending to check my mail. Nothing weird about that, right? She doesn’t notice me, thankfully. What I wouldn’t give to feel that innocence she has. Fuck, I’m sure if I just touched her I could feel it. But she would never give a guy like me a second thought. She’d have to be drunk or high, maybe both, just to give a guy like me a chance. I envy the man that gets her. If I had a girl like that, I would never let her go.

  Why the hell am I even thinking like this? Get your head out of your fucking ass, because your never gonna see her again.

  Chapter 1

  Astoria…hmm, so I guess it kind of looks like what I pictured it. How many times have I seen The Goonies? Uh, probably like a few dozen times. That’s the reason I moved here actually. They filmed the movie in good ol’ Astoria, Oregon. Who even picks up their life and just moves somewhere because it caught their attention in a movie. Yeah, that would be me; the idiot who makes rash decisions.

  I look out the window of the Greyhound bus I just rode over a day in. Jesus Christ, what a long ass trip! I get up out of my butt-imprinted seat and stretch my numb legs. I’m in full zombie mode and start heading off of the bus to fully check out my new destination.

  “Hey, don’t forget your bag!” I look over at an older woman on the bus and notice that she’s talking to me. Shit!

  “Oh, thanks,” I say feeling really fucking stupid. I go back over to my seat and grab my purse. What the fuck did I even pack in here? Bricks?

  “No problem sweetie,” she says smiling back at me. Since I’m already kind of having a semi conversation with this woman, maybe I can ask her if she knows of a place to get a drink.

  “Hey, um, I’m not sure if you’re from around here, but is there a bar close by that you know of?” I ask her.

  “Long ride on the bus, huh?” she says to me laughing. Yeah, you have no fucking idea lady.

  “All the way from Arizona,” I say with a tight smile. I’m kind of in a bitchy mood. A long fucking ride on a bus that smells like urine will do that to a girl.

  “There’s one only a couple of blocks from here,” she tells me as we walk off of the bus. “Follow that street and turn left. The bar is called Leo’s. Just warning you though; it can get pretty crazy so be careful. A young woman all by herself can be dangerous.” I appreciate the concern, but I’m well past the point of giving a shit about my safety.

  “Thanks for the directions,” I say to her, dodging anymore unnecessary chit-chat. I hall-ass away from her before she can say anything else. She was nice, but people trying to look out for me just rub me the wrong way.

  It doesn’t seem that late in the day, so I’m not in a huge hurry to get to the bar. I honestly have no clue what time it is, because I got rid of my phone before I got on the bus. I don’t want anybody contacting me, because they would only be nasty fucking calls. Except from my mom of course. I know she’s worried about me, so I’ll just have to call her from a payphone soon. Jesus, what is it the 90’s again? What a joke! I haven’t used one of those in years. Do they even still exist? Maybe I should get a beeper and page her too. Ha, that would be even funnier!

  Damn, I must be tired and in need of a drink, because I’m just making dumb jokes in my head. The sad thing is that I’m the only one laughing. If Jeremiah were here he would be laughing too.

  Fuck! Stop thinking about him! You left him behind in Arizona, and you left the old you there too. No more pity parties. You have to move forward, start over, and just be someone else. That’s the only way you are going to be able to have the strength to get on with things. Just get to that bar, have a few drinks, and try to pretend that your life isn’t total shit. You have nothing left to lose so just enjoy yourself. Be a slut for once if you want. That’s what everyone thinks of you anyways, so just live up to that title.

  I look up from my depressing daydreaming and see Leo’s bar a few buildings down. Shit! I didn’t even notice any other buildings or a motel on the way here. I’m just going to have to do some exploring around town tomorrow. Hopefully some lucky bastard will get to take me home tonight so I don’t have to rent a room. Those rooms are expensive! Ha, like I need to worry about money. I have enough to get by without stressing too much. Ok bitch, let’s do this.

  I open the doors to the bar and see a bunch of young guys playing pool and some women hanging out watching sports on TV. Hmm, typical sports bar. Not too crowded or overly grungy; just my scene. Looks like I will be here for several hours getting drunk, playing pool, and hopefully finding a guy to buy me even more drinks and take me home.

  I make my way over to the bar and decide on a rum and coke. Being an occasional drinker, I think this is the perfect combo for a steady buzz. I look over at the bartender and notice that he has an old mechanic’s shirt on and it says Leo. My psychic senses tell me that this is the owner of the bar! He looks about mid-fifties, tan skin, with slight wrinkles around his mouth. He has really nice piercing blue eyes. I guess he seems okay enough, but what do I care about someone being nice? I’m not here to make life-long friends; I’m here to forget.

  “Hi there. What can I get for you?” he asks me in a friendly tone.

  “I’ll just take a rum and coke please,” I reply back to him.

  “Can I see your ID? You look a little young to be drinking,” he says seriously. Ugh, why me?!

  “Yeah, sure. Hold on a sec.” I’m silently seething. Fucking typical! I fish around in my ginormous purse and give him my weathered ID card.

  “So…Emma Blackwell. It says here that you’re from Arizona, and it looks like you are of legal drinking age. What brings you to Astoria? Visiting family?” he asks curiously. Ok make sure you’re friendly yet vague
Emma.

  “I actually just moved here today. Don’t know anybody who lives here, but it looked like a really pretty town to live in.” There, that wasn’t so bad!

  “That’s a major decision for you I’m sure!” I just nod back a yes. Fuck I just want that drink already. “I’m Leo, the owner of this bar. I hope you like it here in Astoria. Everyone is pretty friendly and outgoing, so sorry if we talk your ear off,” he says looking apologetic.

  Shit! I hope I wasn’t being rude. If I’m going to be living here for a while I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have someone remotely like me.

  “Oh, no that’s ok. I’m just used to Arizona and people there aren’t really chatty. It’s so spread out and everyone who lives there are from all around. Sorry if I was rude. I just had a long two-day bus ride, and I’m not all there, if you know what I mean,” I say pointing to my head.

  “I totally understand what you mean. I have days like that too,” he says chuckling, putting my drink on the bar. “Here’s your drink and lemme know if you need anything else, ok?”

  “Thanks Leo. I’ll probably just play some pool for a bit.” See, that wasn’t so bad. You can be nice if you try really hard. Now make sure to put on the charm, because there is no way in hell you are buying another drink for yourself. Pathetic much?

  I take my drink and walk over to the pool table at the back of the bar. Of course all of the guys playing look up at me as if they’ve never seen a woman before. Fucking cavemen! “Me man, you woman,” they practically say. Shit, I’m so uncomfortable now, but I really want to play a game. Not to be a cocky bitch, but I’m actually damn good. I don’t need to hook up with any guys tonight. What was I thinking?! Just have them buy you a few drinks and be friendly but not overly so.

  “Hey guys, do you think maybe in a bit I could play winner? I know what to do so you don’t have to worry about teaching me,” I say to them. There’s no way in hell I’m letting a guy bend over me, trying to show me how to properly use a pool stick. If that shit happens, I’ll show them where to properly put their pool stick.

  “Of course you can play. Just make sure you don’t beat our asses.” One of the guys says and all the other guys laugh. I’m going to call the leader Big Gorilla. Because let’s face it, he’s really bulky with a lot of dark facial and arm hair. Yuck!

  “You’re too sweet!” I say sarcastically, but I don’t think they caught my tone of voice. Heaven forbid a woman actually talks back and knows how to play pool. I’m going wipe that smirk off of your face soon, jackass.

  “I’m Todd, and these are my friends Matt, Dillon, and Chance,” he says with a slimy grin. Ugh, this guy screams total perv.

  “Nice to meet you guys. I’m Emma.” I’m desperately trying to keep a smile plastered on my face, but I’m sure I look like I’ve just eaten a lemon. My acting skills only go so far. I’m no Meryl Streep, that’s for damn sure!

  “That’s a very beautiful name. Can I buy you a drink Emma?” he asks. Whoa buddy! Trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me already? For shame! If I except drinks from this guy, they are going to have to contain almost no alcohol. There is no way on God’s green earth that I’m waking up in the morning to that. Only a mother could love that face.

  “That would be great. Just a light beer is fine.”

  “HEY! LESLIE! Bring me over a Corona Light!” he says loudly. Fuck, how rude can you be?!

  “Todd, I’ll be there soon, hold on!” Leslie yells back at him. Girl power, yeah! I like Leslie already.

  “Ok, baby. Are you ready to play? Because I just beat Chance,” he says. What is with this guy? I’m guessing he’s the town sleaze. Baby? I swear to god if he makes a “nobody puts baby in a corner” reference during any part of the night, I’m going to blow chunks. I fucking hate endearments. I chug the rest of my drink; liquid courage is what I need to tolerate this asshole.

  “I’m ready. Am I stripes or solids?” I ask.

  “Whatever you want sweetie; you can even break,” he says to me grinning. Oh my God! This guy is such a puke. I’m sure he thinks he’s being a total gentleman. Unfortunately all I see is a total douche.

  “I’m solid and I break,” I say as the balls ricochet off of each other. I get two of my solids in the pockets. Sweet! I look up, and he’s across the table from me staring down the front of my dress. It’s not even a revealing dress, but he makes me feel like I’m practically naked. I don’t know what the fuck he thinks he’ll find. I’m barely a B-cup for fucks sake! Good luck trying to sneak a peek at my goodies. I practically have the body of a twelve-year-old boy. Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but not by much.

  “Damn, you’re pretty good,” he says with a smirk. No shit Sherlock. I told you I could play earlier, but you were too busy eye fucking me to remember.

  We play back and forth, and he’s pretty good too, the fucker. My beer finally arrives, and Leslie says how crazy the bar has been lately; apparently one of the girls just quit. Hmm, maybe I could talk to Leo tomorrow and see if he would hire me. I don’t need the job, but it would be something to help pass the time.

  I end up beating Todd at pool, to his annoyance and my amusement. I beat some of the other guys too, but I decline to play them a second time. I’m on my fourth beer and already feeling the effects. My hands and feet are numb, which is not a good sign; this is me getting tipsy already. I pretty much laugh at everything anyone says and let Todd touch me here and there.

  I just so happen to glance up and see Leo walk over to one of the booths near the bar. I can tell that he’s talking to someone sitting down, but I can’t see the person. Damn, my curiosity is killing me! Todd keeps trying to get my attention, but I just smile and ignore him the best I can. Leo goes back to the bar, finally revealing the mystery person at the booth.

  Holy shit! It’s definitely a man, that much I’m sure. I know I’m drunk out of my mind, but for some reason this man has me hypnotized. He just looks intimidating from where he’s sitting. He’s wearing a heavy black jacket with matching gloves, covering his body, but I can tell he’s just huge underneath. He has shaggy dark brown hair that falls in his face and a medium-length beard. I can’t pinpoint his age or see his eyes, because he’s too far away, but I’m sure they’re beautiful just like the rest of him. It’s weird, because I honestly can only see parts of him, but I know he’s just one of those guys that women love. I see a few check him out, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Very nice; I like guys who are oblivious to how attractive they are.

  I keep hearing Todd’s annoying voice in the background. Maybe he’s talking to me, but I could care less. I just want this guy to look up and notice my existence. Look up, look up! C’mon, see me!

  As if on cue the guy looks up, straight into my eyes. Shit! I can’t look away even if I tried. His eyes are green I think. Of course they would be my favorite color! I giggle a little bit, because I’m still drunk but mainly in awe of this man. I see him part his lips, as if he’s just as shocked as I am to be staring at me. I keep smiling and giggling like an idiot. He doesn’t look too pleased though. He looks slightly annoyed for some reason. He looks away quickly, and I can see his hand squeeze the drink in front of him, making his knuckles protrude on his cup.

  I look away now too. Fuck, what was that?! I’ve never felt that pull to a man before. I’m guessing that was alcohol induced lust. I’ve sure as hell never felt that way before; not even with Jeremiah.

  “Emma. Emma what the fuck? Are you even listening?” Todd says loudly to me.

  “Huh?” I say back to him. Ugh, your voice is like nails on a chalkboard!

  “Baby let’s get outta here. You’ve had a lot to drink, and I’m not buying you anymore beers. Unless you want to thank me in the bathroom for them.”

  “Ted what are you talking about?” I ask, still thinking about the guy in the booth.

  “It’s Todd actually. I would think you’d remember the name of the guy buying you drinks. Or are you that trashed?” he says irritated. “I really
hope not, because I have something you can do to me in the bathroom with your mouth,” he says laughing with his friends. I’m still a little drunk, but I finally understand what the hell he’s talking about, and I’m fucking pissed.

  “You think because I let you buy me cheap beer and play pool with you that I’m going to let you fuck my mouth in the bathroom? Are you on crack?!” I raise my voice at him not caring who hears. He looks really mad and embarrassed now. Oh great! My drunken mouth and I make an unfortunate team sometimes.

  He leans down close to my ear so no one else can hear. “Listen you ungrateful bitch. I bought you all those beers and watched you eye fuck some random dude. I listened to your annoying laughing and had to sit you down so you wouldn’t fall over. So I think what I’m asking for isn’t much, considering all the shit you’ve put me through tonight.”

  Whoa! This guy is fucking crazy! He grabs my arm like he thinks I’m going to go in the bathroom. “Get your fucking hands off of me, cocksucker!” I yell slurring. Shit I feel the alcohol in my arms and legs as I’m dragged up from my seat. Some people are staring at us at this point, but no one is really doing anything. Todd looks really mad now and probably shocked that I said that in front of everyone. He starts to say something but is then interrupted.

  “Get your hands off of her. Now.” It’s the guy that was sitting at the booth. Of course it is. The only way that I could get the guy I want, is for him to protect me from a guy I don’t want. Typical. Todd immediately takes his hand away.

  “I’m just talking to my girlfriend, man. She’s a little drunk, and she gets crazy when she drinks. It’s not your problem,” Todd says to him, his jaw clenched. No way in hell is he telling people I’m his!

  “I’m not your fucking girlfriend you pig! I just met you. Doesn’t matter that I’m drunk; your dick is getting nowhere near me. Try it, and I’ll bite it. I’ll bite your dick off,” I say laughing, trying to form complete sentences. Shit, I know I’m supposed to sound angry, but this buzz is kicking my ass. This entire situation that I’ve gotten myself into seems really ridiculous to me all of a sudden. Slap happy Emma has now arrived!